Thoughts and decisions.

This blog is long awaited. It's something I've been wanting to wrote for a while, but for fear of offending people and losing my friends i didn't bother.

Truth is i doubt i can even get out what's been bothering me for a long time now. It's been festering for a long time. I'd say from the day my mum died until to day it's been this bubbling hole in the pit of my stomach. You know that feeling when you know something is missing, and you kind of just put things in its place.

At first i had put it down to my mum dying. I mean of course she is a major void in my life. I'll feel that until the day i die and can join her. It's a hurt you never can get over. Its the cause of my insomnia and something I'll never grasp. I'll never get my head round the fact I can't see her again, speak to her or seek advice from her. So that hole, no matter how big or small, and no matter how many people in my life try to, will never be filled.

The past few months have been incredibly weird for me. I'm not even sure still to this day what's so weird about them. I'm restless. Incredibly restless. Sometimes i feel so lonely that the urge to pack a bag and leave is so strong i can almost taste it. And then there's trust. My trust has been broken alot in the past few years. By people i never thought would hurt me. By people who continue to hurt me, and thats no ones fault but my own as i let them stay in my life. Why? I'm sure it goes down to the lonely part of my brain. But it's more because I'm trying to keep a grasp on everything and everyone.

I've lost three of the most important people in my life. My nan, my grandad and my mum. All three brought me up, raised me to be the person i am today. I depended on them. My nan was one of my best friends. We were like chalk and cheese, but that never mattered. The moment me and my nan were together everyone knew they were in trouble. I get filled with so much pride whenever i get compared to her. There's no one else i would want to be like.

And then theres my mum. Only those who are close to me know our story. From the age of 10 i was her carer. At 15 i rebelled, and as a result my nan had to do some of the caring. After i left school i got back into taking care of her. My mum had numerous health problems. Too long to even go into, but as a result i was very dependant in being home. If i stayed away longer than a day i was a wreck. I'd get home sick, and i barely had any friends because it all.
Yet when i was 18 i went out and got myself a job. Everyone was telling me my mum needed to let me go, to try and help herself. It wasn't like she couldn't. She was very much able to. I changed when i got my job. I grew confidence. I made some of the best friends i still have to this very day, and i'm still at this job to this day because of them all.

But then October 5th 2007 rolled by, and it became the day that changed me. The moment i stepped back into this house after we'd left the hospital, my mum only dead for a few hours i felt a new person. My head was jumbled, i was majorily confused, but i knew i had alot weighing down on my shoulders. I wasn't only motherless, but i had also become my brothers guardian as he was still in school.

I could keep going on about those days. But i need to get back onto the subject on hand. Those days changed how i thought, acted and saw people. I lost friends back then because they still expected me to act how i did before, spending money i had on anything, going out and being stupid. I couldn't do that, i had bills and responsibilities. I didn't get much help. After the initial shock of my mum dying moved on and people feeling sorry for us disapeared it was just me and my brother against the world.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. I'm broke, in debt. Get court summons most months because i have to decide whether i pay this bill or buy food. If my brother hadn't of gotten himself the job he had now we would be well and truelly on the streets. And i believe that.

I get myself so down sometimes just thinking about it all. I don't want this life anymore, but obviously I'm the only person who can change it.

So a few weeks back i got thinking about to what i want to do with my life. Theres things i enjoy, like doing peoples hair, entertaining people, being helpful. I'd always dreamed of working in Disney World. I still would love to, but i don't feel like that chapter of my life is quite there yet.
I'd thought about going to college to study hair dressing or doing a childcare of business course. But i don't feel ready for that either.

But then me and my homie from work were talking, and there was something we were both discussing that made me click. For as long as i can remember i always enjoyed taking photo's. Wether it would be me filling a whole roll of film with stupid pictures of me and my bro and cousin, or stealing random family members cameras to do those ever so stupid self portraits. I LOVE photography.
So it got me thinking. Sure it's not something that will bring the money in. But as a side project. Side job? Sure. So I've been searching photography courses. Found one in a college right by me. I want to do it so badly. I feel like that part of my life I'm ready for.

So yea that's one of my big decisions. That and I want to change how i look at life, at myself. My new focus is to do things that benefit ME. I've let myself go in so many ways because of everything else i have to worry about.

So 2011, i feel, is going to bring on a new me. I have a long way to go, and I'm hoping i can use this blog and express to everyone just whats going on in my head so they get just why i act like i do.

And maybe i can read back on this in a years time and understand myself too.

Webcam Pics

I'm sensing a trend. Most of my posts seem to be about photo's, but to be honest I have so many, and take so many that i feel the need to share.

So most of these pictures are mega old, but i just HAVE to post them somewhere.

Hamster Photoshoot

So it seems i have a hamster who likes having her picture taken. In the past few days I've taken at least a dozen pictures of her being utterly adorable.

Anyways thought i'd share them as they are too cute.

A time to vent.

I'm so angry right now, I'm sure that if i could spit fire i would be....everywhere.

Why do i have to say things till I'm blue in the face? Why can't i be heard first time round and then be thanked when they realise I'm right, instead of ignoring me and then putting themselves in stupid situations.

Yes i know that sounds big headed, saying I'm right, but in this situation i usually always am. I'm not stupid, i know a thing or two about life. I might come across as this thick blonde girl who knows nothing, but trust me...i know more than people think.
I wish there was someone around who actually saw things how i do. Not just about that, but about everything. I know my thoughts are unique. Everyone's are, but sometimes...sometimes i want people to see things how I see them, how i take things and realise why i go off on one when i do.

I guess all I'm asking is for you to listen, to take in what i say. I don't care what you do with it, but if its advice or something I'm giving, i wouldnt give it if it didn't mean anything.

Living Some Dreams..

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
these streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you,
lets hear it for New York, New York, New York

I LOVE New York. I guess going from one city to another that makes New York feel like I've always lived there.

Me and my girls decided on a spontaneous trip to New York, lots of sightseeing, food, and oh...some Backstreet Boys. I would definitely do it ALL over again in a heart beat.

So it started last Wednesday, all four of us uber excited to get away. Our hopes were dashed slightly when our pilot was taken away sick minutes from us all boarding, leaving us with no flight. You can imagine our panic. Lets just say it was a good thing our flight was only half booked, cos we all managed to fit on the next flight out. There were a few people who didn't make it. Sucks for them lol.

Now i don't know if anyone has ever had the pleasure of booking things with a week or so to spare, but let me tell you...its not fun. My girls had already booked to go, they had everything...the hotels, trains, plane, concert tickets, the lot booked. I...well i had NOTHING. I'm still surprised at this moment that i managed to get it all sorted. I went there with only one concert ticket (the girls were going to three in total) and apart from the hotel being booked because they had already done that i was hardly set. But it all worked out in the end, i met a lovely fan on the BSB fan club who sold me a ticket to the NY show, and i guess from there it went somewhat smoothly for me.



So first day there, we were all craving some traditional American Breakfast (Well aside from me) so after heading out from our hotel we came across an Organic Restaurant, which quickly became our "Local". Fresh and Co is AMAZING! I only wish they would branch out of New York City and come to London.



So after we had our amazing breakfast we went for a walk before deciding to go up in the Empire State Building. The view was AMAZING and I would definitely recommend it!









After that we headed back to the hotel to change. We had a BSB concert to go to. The girls already had VIP to get in, but me being a late comer had literally nothing at that point. Met the nice fan in the queue and brought the ticket from her before following the girls to the VIP line. I was chancing being able to buy a pass to get in, otherwise i was thinking about skipping it. A GA concert on your own is no fun. It turned out Justin let me buy one, to which i think i scared him with my loud British self haha. We were all stoked we were going together after that. (Me and the girls, not me and Justin, LOL)



The soundcheck was ok. We basically made our own fun up by dancing and singing along in our own little way. It was a short soundcheck, nothing like the ones we had here. After it was done we got to have our picture taken with them. Have to say this pic really isn't one of my faves. I look like poo and Nick's trying to choke me..douche. LOL



The concert was AWESOME! I can never tire of seeing that show. If i could see it every day then I'd be happy. There's just something about it that i can't quite put my finger on it. It's probably one of the best shows I've seen. (apart from Pink, Queen and Linkin Park) lol

Ok so next day, we got up and headed to our local before deciding on going to Staten Island. After figuring out what train tickets to buy and which platform to go on (The Subway is VERY confusing) We were on our way. Love Subway trains purely for the Air Con (England, PLEASE catch on!)



I LOVED the ferry to Staten Island. There's just something about being on the water that calms me. I think i spent most my time hanging off the railings taking pictures.











Even tried to climb in and one point LOL



Once we got on Staten Island we discovered there wasn't much there to do LOL So after taking a few silly pictures we consulted our map and decided to head back.









We decided on heading into Central Park. It's so beautiful in there. Definitely puts Hyde Park to shame.
We went to Grand Central Station before walking the long walk to the park.





















The next day we were travelling to Atlantic City. All of us had heard about it, but never actually experienced it. People had said AC is like a mini Vegas. They weren't wrong. From the fountains outside of ceasars to the huge hotels it was amazing. Not to mention we were right on the beach. Anyone who knows me knows what kind of connection i have with the ocean. I was dying to get on the beach, but that had to wait, as we had another BSB show to go to.

I had no ticket to this show up until around 20 minutes before the show. Wound up getting 5th row centre on my own. It wasn't so bad, the people sat around were cool and eager to know all about the UK. Guess my accent gives me away every damn time haha!

So after the show we headed to the Casbah club. We had a drink and stayed for a while, but honestly the music really wasn't our scene, either that or i wasn't drunk enough to enjoy it haha. We ended up on the beach. It was 1am and still so warm out. The sand was lush and i have to say i went a bit crazy haha, doing cartwheels and running into the ocean like a kid.













The hotel we were staying in, Trump Taj Mahal, was AMAZING in itself. Inside was a huge ass casino (as well as the concert arena itself). Our hotel room was HUGE and it had a beautiful view.



We went for a walk after the beach and took a load of random pictures.







After that we headed back to our room. It was nearing 3am and me and Sarah had already made plans to get up real early and go on the beach. Turns out i only got around 3 hours sleep, so when we were up in the morning i was looking real bad lol













After that we had to head back to our room and pretty ourselves up for Monmouth. We had a three hour journey ahead of us and had to leave in the clothes we wanted to wear for the soundcheck. We had the highest VIP (Which i wouldn't recommend) and wanted to look our best. Too bad the humidity ruined my hair lol.
Me and Sarah had made a bet the night before, on who could find the most random things with TRUMP stamped on them. It was hilarious, and i think i won in the end, or it might have been Brian with his TRUMP sweater.



The soundcheck in Monmouth was EPIC. I don't think I'll probably ever go to one like that again. The guys were so hype it was great. I was on some kind of delirious high from being awake stupid amount of hours and hardly any sleep, and i guess thats better than the moodyness i usually get when like that.





After that we had our picture taken singular with them. I'm not impressed with this pic, i look awkward and my hair...well no comment LOL. However love my dress so thats a plus haha. I deffo wasn't in full pose when this pic was shot lol



After that was the backstage tour. I didn't really enjoy it as much as i probably should. The fans there were just UGH, such major pains in the asses. Totally crazy and oblivious to the fact that Brian is actually a human and not some alien celebrity. I guess growing up knowing celebs and being around big stars really just doesn't phase me. I see the guys as normal humans, so i have the respect to treat them like that when around them. You won't find me gossiping or discussing stupid shit about them on message boards. I respect they have their own lives, and so should these other fans, but anywho...back to the topic on hand haha. He took us on his tour bus, and that was probably the most part i enjoyed, one because he seemed to relax physically, and two we actually got to talk to him without obnoxious freaks in the way. I thought Spanish and Danish fans were bad...but not..American's are JUST as bad.

After that we got to have something signed. I'm not an autograph person really, but Brian had given me one of his Wylee catalogues so i got that signed, and after that Brian told me to email his wife lol. Guess i made an impression.
Once that was done we all had a group pic (which i'm not posting cos honestly...apart from us and Brian the rest of the people are utter mongs) and then we had to queue up for a while before getting our front row spot.

Made some friends whilst waiting for the boys to come out. Was so much fun. That concert was the best one i'd been to on this tour. I had brought some banners that the girls back home made on the European leg and decided to represent the Howie love. He was cracking me up the whole show, laughing, winking and singing his way in our direction. At one point during the show they had out sweaty towels (ew) and a rose. Howie got his dancer to give them out and as he sat down i decided to act all sad that he didn't give me anything. Well he actually looked bad for not giving me anything and blew me a kiss. Thinking that was cute i went on with the rest of the show, singing and dancing and waving around my sign LOL. Then during I Want It That Way i was too busy singing along to Brian when i got smacked in the face by a super wet (and sweaty towel) first reaction was to gag and i guess Howie noticed that cos he just laughed. Which then sparked me off and i ended up in a laughing fit for the rest of that song.

After the show we took the train back to New York. We were staying in the Marriot On Times Sq (Thanks to Anna's staff rate!) I swear i actually died on the train back, was so tired. I remember walking through Penn station having to hold onto Sarah (i think it was) cos i was falling asleep walking.
We were on a high floor in the Marriot, it overlooked Times Sq and was so pretty. We were sad it was our last day so we spent it around Times Sq, taking in all the sights.







We were so sad to be leaving, i think none of us wanted to come back to reality. We ALL don't belong in London. I swear one day we will all be living in America!



Well i have to admit I'm feeling a tad lazy to type now. SO much more happened that I'm not going to go into on here, but i just want to say a big thank you to all the people we met who were nice and kind. We did come across alot of people who didn't want to know us as we are British. BSB fans are so lame, really lol.

And i want to say a big THANK YOU and LOVE YOU to my girls. I wouldn't of had so much fun if they hadn't of made me come. You girls are the best, and all i have to say is... BRING ON THE NEXT ADVENTURE!!

Here's some more pics. Leave me a comment :)



























One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
no place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh