This blog is long awaited. It's something I've been wanting to wrote for a while, but for fear of offending people and losing my friends i didn't bother.
Truth is i doubt i can even get out what's been bothering me for a long time now. It's been festering for a long time. I'd say from the day my mum died until to day it's been this bubbling hole in the pit of my stomach. You know that feeling when you know something is missing, and you kind of just put things in its place.
At first i had put it down to my mum dying. I mean of course she is a major void in my life. I'll feel that until the day i die and can join her. It's a hurt you never can get over. Its the cause of my insomnia and something I'll never grasp. I'll never get my head round the fact I can't see her again, speak to her or seek advice from her. So that hole, no matter how big or small, and no matter how many people in my life try to, will never be filled.
The past few months have been incredibly weird for me. I'm not even sure still to this day what's so weird about them. I'm restless. Incredibly restless. Sometimes i feel so lonely that the urge to pack a bag and leave is so strong i can almost taste it. And then there's trust. My trust has been broken alot in the past few years. By people i never thought would hurt me. By people who continue to hurt me, and thats no ones fault but my own as i let them stay in my life. Why? I'm sure it goes down to the lonely part of my brain. But it's more because I'm trying to keep a grasp on everything and everyone.
I've lost three of the most important people in my life. My nan, my grandad and my mum. All three brought me up, raised me to be the person i am today. I depended on them. My nan was one of my best friends. We were like chalk and cheese, but that never mattered. The moment me and my nan were together everyone knew they were in trouble. I get filled with so much pride whenever i get compared to her. There's no one else i would want to be like.
And then theres my mum. Only those who are close to me know our story. From the age of 10 i was her carer. At 15 i rebelled, and as a result my nan had to do some of the caring. After i left school i got back into taking care of her. My mum had numerous health problems. Too long to even go into, but as a result i was very dependant in being home. If i stayed away longer than a day i was a wreck. I'd get home sick, and i barely had any friends because it all.
Yet when i was 18 i went out and got myself a job. Everyone was telling me my mum needed to let me go, to try and help herself. It wasn't like she couldn't. She was very much able to. I changed when i got my job. I grew confidence. I made some of the best friends i still have to this very day, and i'm still at this job to this day because of them all.
But then October 5th 2007 rolled by, and it became the day that changed me. The moment i stepped back into this house after we'd left the hospital, my mum only dead for a few hours i felt a new person. My head was jumbled, i was majorily confused, but i knew i had alot weighing down on my shoulders. I wasn't only motherless, but i had also become my brothers guardian as he was still in school.
I could keep going on about those days. But i need to get back onto the subject on hand. Those days changed how i thought, acted and saw people. I lost friends back then because they still expected me to act how i did before, spending money i had on anything, going out and being stupid. I couldn't do that, i had bills and responsibilities. I didn't get much help. After the initial shock of my mum dying moved on and people feeling sorry for us disapeared it was just me and my brother against the world.
I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. I'm broke, in debt. Get court summons most months because i have to decide whether i pay this bill or buy food. If my brother hadn't of gotten himself the job he had now we would be well and truelly on the streets. And i believe that.
I get myself so down sometimes just thinking about it all. I don't want this life anymore, but obviously I'm the only person who can change it.
So a few weeks back i got thinking about to what i want to do with my life. Theres things i enjoy, like doing peoples hair, entertaining people, being helpful. I'd always dreamed of working in Disney World. I still would love to, but i don't feel like that chapter of my life is quite there yet.
I'd thought about going to college to study hair dressing or doing a childcare of business course. But i don't feel ready for that either.
But then me and my homie from work were talking, and there was something we were both discussing that made me click. For as long as i can remember i always enjoyed taking photo's. Wether it would be me filling a whole roll of film with stupid pictures of me and my bro and cousin, or stealing random family members cameras to do those ever so stupid self portraits. I LOVE photography.
So it got me thinking. Sure it's not something that will bring the money in. But as a side project. Side job? Sure. So I've been searching photography courses. Found one in a college right by me. I want to do it so badly. I feel like that part of my life I'm ready for.
So yea that's one of my big decisions. That and I want to change how i look at life, at myself. My new focus is to do things that benefit ME. I've let myself go in so many ways because of everything else i have to worry about.
So 2011, i feel, is going to bring on a new me. I have a long way to go, and I'm hoping i can use this blog and express to everyone just whats going on in my head so they get just why i act like i do.
And maybe i can read back on this in a years time and understand myself too.
