The "I Hate.." Post.

I'm having one of those days where I'm angry at the world, angry at myself and angry at the man upstairs.

Why?

It's Mother's Day, and for some reason this years is affecting me 100 times worse than it has done since my mum died. Why, I don't know? Surely the more time passes the more I should just be used to the fact my mum isn't around anymore. Apparently not. For I quite literally feel heartbroken. Seeing post after post on my Facebook and Twitter on everyone wishing their mums a happy day and dammit, I'm jealous. Completely and utterly jealous.

It killed me waking up and not having that excited bubbly feeling in my tummy like I used to have when giving my mum her card and presents. I used to spoil my mum. She deserved it, having me as a pain in the arse daughter, not to mention being so ill. I used to love shopping for Mother's Day. Buying her pretty flowers, A cute card and a really silly present that I know only she would appreciate. Who can I treat like that now?

It's just one of many things I'm hating today.

I hate that my mum got taken away from me.

I hate that my nan did too.

I hate that I'm broke.

I hate that i don't feel as carefree as I used to.

I hate the people who don't understand me and abandoned me when I needed them most.

I hate that the majority of my family don't care.

I hate that my life plan never went to plan.

I hate that in a month i was be 26 with nothing to show for it.

I hate that all the people that matter to me live too far away.


But you see, the funny thing with hating alot of things.. is that it's made me appreciate what i do have.

I love the fact that even if he annoys the shit out of me my brother has my back.

I love that the friends that stuck with me GET me. I love you guys so much. Words can't express how if I could give you all the world I would.

I love that for more people they don't even have to see me, talk to me or anything to know when I need them. The amount of texts I woke up to this morning proved that. I love you all.

I love that my dog knows when I'm sad. Sounds silly, but she hasn't left my side all day and everytime i get up she follows me. Unconditional love gives me warm fuzzies.

And even though all the people that mean alot to me live far away I love that they keep in touch with me more than people who live locally. Sure i have friends here who are totally amazing, but some really don't bother, and to be honest aren't special compared to those who mean alot to me.

Ok so the Love's really don't outweigh the Hates today. That's ok, because tomorrow will be a new day, and with a new day comes a new Lisa.

A Lisa who is allowed to wipe the smile off her face for a day, stay in bed and wallow. I'm only human afterall.

So sorry to those whom have witnessed my mopey down self on twitter today. I promise normal service tomorrow.